Pretty on the inside

So this one was written more than anything to express my discomfort and horror of what I was seeing more and more in girls around me if it’s at work, at a dinner at a club or shopping. I wanted to voice my opinion on what seems to be a horrifying trend of women who buried there faces in makeup and spent more money on clothes and shoes than they had and could find a why to justify it no matter what you told them. This isn’t a personal attack on anyone at all it’s more a view I hold and I felt the need to share it in the hopes that some people may agree and even begin to see that they are pretty on the inside.

Pretty on The Inside

Can I take a look around and see what I can find can I see what you look like on the inside?

I can tell you put so much effort into what’s up front but that’s not what I’m looking for. Are you pretty on the inside? Are you happy with who you are? 

Do you see yourself as I see you?
 Or do you place yourself up on the platform to high for mere mortals to reach? 

Are you as ugly on the inside as your outside makes you seem? You cover yourself in expensive clothes and wear lots of makeup you spend so much money making the front look good but anyone with eyes can see through your ugly disguise.

I can only hope you’re pretty on the inside and that you’re not letting your beauty go to waste it seems like you’re trapping it so it can be viewed by people in a museum or studied behind a glass case.

If only you could see yourself the way I can see you now not as a made up doll but as a Princess who could conquer the world. If only you could see all the things I see in you then maybe you would spend more money and time on keeping yourself happy rather than trying to preserve what everyone tells you is “pretty”.

Love Me Till I'm Me Again

So a few weeks ago someone posted this photo on facebook it showed up in my newsfeed that morning, and the words kind of stuck with me. Throughout the day the words kept rolling around through my head, and more and more i thought about what it would mean to someone to say that to somebody. What kind of emotional state would you be in and how would you possibly try to ask someone for help when your in this state? With that in mind i wrote this.

Love me Till I’m me again

I haven’t felt like myself for a while and I’ve been hiding it pretty well. I know now it’s time to step up and make the bad things right it’s not going to be easy and it’s going to take some time. So I need to ask a favour and it’s okay if you want to say no, But I need you to understand this was never how I wanted it to be, so I guess the question has to be can you love me till I’m me again?

I’m in this for the long haul and I hope you are too please don’t agree to this if you can’t give it your all. I understand if it’s too much or if you have better things to do, I promise I won’t take it personally but if you can if your able Could you love me till I’m me again?

I need to know you can help me out and that I can turn to you in my time of need. I need to know you’ll be there for me while I struggle with my demons and fight against their control over me. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I know I can make it there but I need you to hold my hand and reassure me that your there. The road is long and windy and I’m going to want to turn back but please stick with me and Love me till I make it out the other side.

People Like Me

As will become painfully obvious to anyone who regularly reads my blog, I have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I tried to be as proactive as possible with my disability and to find out as much as I could because knowledge is power and I needed power over my disability. So I read all I could to help me understand more and more about my disability what it’s strengths were and what I needed to do to find ways to improve on my flaws because of it.

As a teenager I was asked by several psychiatrists and psychologists to write something to help explain what it was like for me having ADHD. To this I flat out refused for two reasons 1 I wasn’t going to be forced to do anything by these morons. 2 My writing to me is a very personal thing and although nothing is more personal than my disability I wasn’t willing to share those kinds of intimate thoughts with anyone. I guess what it boils down too was at the time I couldn’t really comprehend how to explain what I was like for me.

So a few years ago I sat down and found the words to not only help me but to help other people understand what it’s like living with this disorder. It was becoming so frustrating for some of my friends to not understand and grasp the way my brain worked, they knew my wiring was different and they knew it meant I was different but they didn’t really understand the full spectrum of what my struggles were. Honestly you can’t understand unless you have it, the old saying of walking a mile in someone else’s shoes is very applicable to what anyone goes through with a disability or disorder but I did the best I could and it’s what you’ll read below.

People Like Me

I have some issues with my memory and I can forget things really easily. It becomes frustrating when you can remember a minor detail then totally forget a conversation. I struggle to keep my mind focused and tend to drift off into my own little world. I don’t mean to do it but my brain is wired differently to yours.

I can get hyper-active and out of control and at some points it may seem like I’m from another planet but rest assured during these moments I’m always in control.  I can become overwhelmed and struggle to cope my brain only makes room for one emotion anything else has to fight or wait its turn.

I may not understand the looks you give me and when we are out and about I may speak my mind and scream and shout. Please understand it’s not a deliberate thing that I do but there is no other reason except for this is who I am, so please don’t let these things upset you.

My hand writing is messy and hard to read and sometimes I make things look much harder than they seem. If you’re starting to think this is a mission? That’s a start to getting your head around my condition.

I’ve given up on trying to sit still it’s just not something I can do  I don’t have worms and I’m not full of beans but I do have a lot of energy, I do the best I can to get rid of it all but the problem with being hyper-active is I just end up with more.

So you may not understand this you may not even care this really wasn’t written for you, it was written for people like me.

See what you've done

So to give this a bit of context I was 18 when my parents separated my parents had been married for almost 20 years and my Mum Discovered my Dad was having an affair with his personal assistant. I had only just started to develop my gift of writing at this stage and what I wrote was normally lovey dovey crap to appease some girl whose name I wouldn’t remember the next day.  After my Dad moved out he told us he was living in a motel then he was staying with friends, the truth was he was living with his personal assistant. She had 3 young girls and I have 3 younger sisters, for those of you who can’t see where this is going my Dad pretty much swapped one family for the other. They all called him Dad and he gave them whatever they wanted and we had to fight for the time of day. I got a message today from one of her daughters saying her Mum was after Dad’s address so she could send him the divorce papers.

This for me helped to exercise a lot of personal demons it helped me to vent about the way I see my Dad and the things he has done since him and my mum divorced which was over a decade ago now. A friend encouraged me to send this to my Dad and the following email correspondence resulted in us not speaking to each other for nearly 2 years. I do love my Dad despite his flaws and everything that has happened between us, but I don’t see him as my Dad more as a friend who I can enjoy a beer with. 

I wrote a lot as an angry 18 year old whose parents had just separated on less that happy circumstances, this was by far the most effective way for me to express my disappointment and on the odd occasion sheer bewilderment of what my Dad had done and to grasp how he could leech from one life to the next without a second thought as to what could possibly go wrong or who he could hurt.

See What You’ve Done

You have hurt more people than you know your choices have a ripple effect that you have chosen not to see. Not that you’re bothered by that as long as your little world remains untouched and stays nice and neat you’re pleased. You have done more damage than a man with a gun and taken more lives in your path of destruction that a nuclear bomb. Can’t you see what you have done?

Hurt so many for personal gain and then wonder why your all alone again. I’ve watched you change from a man to a monster and back in no time at all. Your disguise may fool most but not all turn around and look can’t you see what you’ve done?  

Built your little world of fact and fiction not caring for a moment because the people in your life are interchangeable you can swap them out whenever you like just like you’re playing with lego and just find the piece that fits it’s almost like to you were just filling in empty space. It’s Not to late you can still turn back and see what you’ve done?

Spinning your web of lies and deceit so many people have been caught up in. So much so that they can’t tell the facts from your fiction you more than anyone have succumbed and been taken in. It’s not to late turn around and look can’t you see what you’ve done?  

I know you can you just don’t want to looking back would mean you care it would mean care it would mean you’re sorry and clearly you’re not it would mean you can see the damage you have done the pain you caused. Now I know your vision is not just blurred but your entrenched by yourself pity self loathing and self serving nature. After all this I’m sorry not for me but for you because once a long time ago I was proud to call you dad