Goodbye Mourning (A Trilogy)

So over the course of the last few months i have drifted apart from a friend i was very close with. Like all the emotional situations in life writing has helped me out of it. So now as i have come to the realization that this is a friendship that will never be repaired i wanted to share with you the three parts this has come together in. So in these three poems i have written at very different points in my life together with her the first one was written for her on a birthday when with love and affection and it describes how close we were. The second was written not long after the fight had happened and it was my way of expressing feelings and in hindsight coming to terms with losing a close friend. The third was written as an acceptance and a goodbye of a friendship i treasured and held very close to my heart but clearly wasn't meant to last. Please enjoy this and as always feel free to comment and tell me what you think. 

I tried to find the words to describe how much you mean to me. 
I've always been good with words, even though I may not use them properly or at the right time. When I use my heart, words can say everything, because there are times that I simply can’t.

So this is what I came up with.
Since I can’t make beautiful paintings that make people hush,
Hearts are my canvas and words are my brush.

I hate that you’re always moody and you take forever to be ready
I hate that you don’t see the beauty I see radiating from you everyday I hate that you are always so bossy
I hate that you feel the need to work so hard on everything you do.
I hate that you always think you’re right.

Of course Princess, the joy of knowing you means despite all the things I hate there are so many things I love too.

I love that you and I are so close
I love that we always make time for each other
I love that you take so much time to make yourself look just right
I love that you are open and love to give with all your heart.
I love that you have become one of the best friends I have
I love that I can’t remember what life was like before you came into it and above it all I just love you in general.
I wrote this for you for your special day because no matter what, I want you to know this is how I feel. I hope this helps you understand exactly how much I love you

When I lay in bed at night or wander aimlessly through the day she creeps her way into my head so much more than once a day. When she's ready to listen I'm ready to speak when she's ready to understand I'll help her understand.

When I walk past her on the street she's a face I don't even recognize I know she doesn't want to hear the truth not because it would hurt but because it's not what she wants to believe. The jury is out and my case won't be heard all because she has no interest in what really happened or what caused the situation. So when she's ready to listen I'm ready to speak when she's ready to talk I'm ready to hear.

I've bitten my tongue more times than she knows I could give her information that would cut her to the quick but I've always kept it to myself because it seems cruel to bring her world down around her when she seems to find it so hard to be positive and upbeat.

I think about our relationship and how's it's never really been built on solid ground, we've always fooled ourselves into thinking it was safe and sound but the truth is far worse than the fiction. So when she's ready to speak I'm ready to pay attention when she's ready to open her mind I'm ready to share my knowledge.

I look at our lives together and we're it could have all gone wrong I know the fault lies with one as much as the other but I can't help but think if only she'd get help this whole situation is one that could have been avoided.

I’d like to be the better person and make the first step back but every time we've had a fight I've been the one to repair it. I do miss her and life without her isn't the same, but in the same hand life without her hasn't been that bad. So when she’s ready to help rebuild what’s been broken I’ll be ready with a helping hand but until she’s ready to do that I’ll continue to move on.

There will always be a part of me that wishes you had stayed, that we had never gone our separate ways. There will always be a part of me that will love you and hold our memories close but that part is singled out into a small minority and now it's being drowned out. 

I wish you nothing but happiness in your life and hope you find it wherever it may be but I have now accepted that you and I will never see eye to eye, there will not be a laugh or a hug shared between us again. As much as this realization saddens me I know it's quite simply the way it has to be. 

I've felt the pain of loss before and dealt with it the best I can you'll always have a place in my heart but it is now sealed over in stone. I'm sure you'll never see it my way and be convinced I am in the wrong it saddens me knowing you won't even think it could be your fault because it's just not on.

 I look over our shared years of love and friendship and shed a tear for all that has happened, I stood by you through thick and thin now I'm forced to ask was it all for nothing.
I wonder if in ten years’ time you'll look back with regret, as for me I know my regret is gone now I've done my mourning time.

You can never be replaced and I will never try all I ask, all I have ever wanted is for you try to understand and see it from my side. I don't think you'll ever read this but I've written it in case you do, this was my way of simply saying goodbye to you.

Pretty on the inside

So this one was written more than anything to express my discomfort and horror of what I was seeing more and more in girls around me if it’s at work, at a dinner at a club or shopping. I wanted to voice my opinion on what seems to be a horrifying trend of women who buried there faces in makeup and spent more money on clothes and shoes than they had and could find a why to justify it no matter what you told them. This isn’t a personal attack on anyone at all it’s more a view I hold and I felt the need to share it in the hopes that some people may agree and even begin to see that they are pretty on the inside.

Pretty on The Inside

Can I take a look around and see what I can find can I see what you look like on the inside?

I can tell you put so much effort into what’s up front but that’s not what I’m looking for. Are you pretty on the inside? Are you happy with who you are? 

Do you see yourself as I see you?
 Or do you place yourself up on the platform to high for mere mortals to reach? 

Are you as ugly on the inside as your outside makes you seem? You cover yourself in expensive clothes and wear lots of makeup you spend so much money making the front look good but anyone with eyes can see through your ugly disguise.

I can only hope you’re pretty on the inside and that you’re not letting your beauty go to waste it seems like you’re trapping it so it can be viewed by people in a museum or studied behind a glass case.

If only you could see yourself the way I can see you now not as a made up doll but as a Princess who could conquer the world. If only you could see all the things I see in you then maybe you would spend more money and time on keeping yourself happy rather than trying to preserve what everyone tells you is “pretty”.

Love Me Till I'm Me Again

So a few weeks ago someone posted this photo on facebook it showed up in my newsfeed that morning, and the words kind of stuck with me. Throughout the day the words kept rolling around through my head, and more and more i thought about what it would mean to someone to say that to somebody. What kind of emotional state would you be in and how would you possibly try to ask someone for help when your in this state? With that in mind i wrote this.

Love me Till I’m me again

I haven’t felt like myself for a while and I’ve been hiding it pretty well. I know now it’s time to step up and make the bad things right it’s not going to be easy and it’s going to take some time. So I need to ask a favour and it’s okay if you want to say no, But I need you to understand this was never how I wanted it to be, so I guess the question has to be can you love me till I’m me again?

I’m in this for the long haul and I hope you are too please don’t agree to this if you can’t give it your all. I understand if it’s too much or if you have better things to do, I promise I won’t take it personally but if you can if your able Could you love me till I’m me again?

I need to know you can help me out and that I can turn to you in my time of need. I need to know you’ll be there for me while I struggle with my demons and fight against their control over me. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I know I can make it there but I need you to hold my hand and reassure me that your there. The road is long and windy and I’m going to want to turn back but please stick with me and Love me till I make it out the other side.

People Like Me

As will become painfully obvious to anyone who regularly reads my blog, I have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I tried to be as proactive as possible with my disability and to find out as much as I could because knowledge is power and I needed power over my disability. So I read all I could to help me understand more and more about my disability what it’s strengths were and what I needed to do to find ways to improve on my flaws because of it.

As a teenager I was asked by several psychiatrists and psychologists to write something to help explain what it was like for me having ADHD. To this I flat out refused for two reasons 1 I wasn’t going to be forced to do anything by these morons. 2 My writing to me is a very personal thing and although nothing is more personal than my disability I wasn’t willing to share those kinds of intimate thoughts with anyone. I guess what it boils down too was at the time I couldn’t really comprehend how to explain what I was like for me.

So a few years ago I sat down and found the words to not only help me but to help other people understand what it’s like living with this disorder. It was becoming so frustrating for some of my friends to not understand and grasp the way my brain worked, they knew my wiring was different and they knew it meant I was different but they didn’t really understand the full spectrum of what my struggles were. Honestly you can’t understand unless you have it, the old saying of walking a mile in someone else’s shoes is very applicable to what anyone goes through with a disability or disorder but I did the best I could and it’s what you’ll read below.

People Like Me

I have some issues with my memory and I can forget things really easily. It becomes frustrating when you can remember a minor detail then totally forget a conversation. I struggle to keep my mind focused and tend to drift off into my own little world. I don’t mean to do it but my brain is wired differently to yours.

I can get hyper-active and out of control and at some points it may seem like I’m from another planet but rest assured during these moments I’m always in control.  I can become overwhelmed and struggle to cope my brain only makes room for one emotion anything else has to fight or wait its turn.

I may not understand the looks you give me and when we are out and about I may speak my mind and scream and shout. Please understand it’s not a deliberate thing that I do but there is no other reason except for this is who I am, so please don’t let these things upset you.

My hand writing is messy and hard to read and sometimes I make things look much harder than they seem. If you’re starting to think this is a mission? That’s a start to getting your head around my condition.

I’ve given up on trying to sit still it’s just not something I can do  I don’t have worms and I’m not full of beans but I do have a lot of energy, I do the best I can to get rid of it all but the problem with being hyper-active is I just end up with more.

So you may not understand this you may not even care this really wasn’t written for you, it was written for people like me.

See what you've done

So to give this a bit of context I was 18 when my parents separated my parents had been married for almost 20 years and my Mum Discovered my Dad was having an affair with his personal assistant. I had only just started to develop my gift of writing at this stage and what I wrote was normally lovey dovey crap to appease some girl whose name I wouldn’t remember the next day.  After my Dad moved out he told us he was living in a motel then he was staying with friends, the truth was he was living with his personal assistant. She had 3 young girls and I have 3 younger sisters, for those of you who can’t see where this is going my Dad pretty much swapped one family for the other. They all called him Dad and he gave them whatever they wanted and we had to fight for the time of day. I got a message today from one of her daughters saying her Mum was after Dad’s address so she could send him the divorce papers.

This for me helped to exercise a lot of personal demons it helped me to vent about the way I see my Dad and the things he has done since him and my mum divorced which was over a decade ago now. A friend encouraged me to send this to my Dad and the following email correspondence resulted in us not speaking to each other for nearly 2 years. I do love my Dad despite his flaws and everything that has happened between us, but I don’t see him as my Dad more as a friend who I can enjoy a beer with. 

I wrote a lot as an angry 18 year old whose parents had just separated on less that happy circumstances, this was by far the most effective way for me to express my disappointment and on the odd occasion sheer bewilderment of what my Dad had done and to grasp how he could leech from one life to the next without a second thought as to what could possibly go wrong or who he could hurt.

See What You’ve Done

You have hurt more people than you know your choices have a ripple effect that you have chosen not to see. Not that you’re bothered by that as long as your little world remains untouched and stays nice and neat you’re pleased. You have done more damage than a man with a gun and taken more lives in your path of destruction that a nuclear bomb. Can’t you see what you have done?

Hurt so many for personal gain and then wonder why your all alone again. I’ve watched you change from a man to a monster and back in no time at all. Your disguise may fool most but not all turn around and look can’t you see what you’ve done?  

Built your little world of fact and fiction not caring for a moment because the people in your life are interchangeable you can swap them out whenever you like just like you’re playing with lego and just find the piece that fits it’s almost like to you were just filling in empty space. It’s Not to late you can still turn back and see what you’ve done?

Spinning your web of lies and deceit so many people have been caught up in. So much so that they can’t tell the facts from your fiction you more than anyone have succumbed and been taken in. It’s not to late turn around and look can’t you see what you’ve done?  

I know you can you just don’t want to looking back would mean you care it would mean care it would mean you’re sorry and clearly you’re not it would mean you can see the damage you have done the pain you caused. Now I know your vision is not just blurred but your entrenched by yourself pity self loathing and self serving nature. After all this I’m sorry not for me but for you because once a long time ago I was proud to call you dad